For the past several weeks I’ve been waking up to some intense and distasteful emotions. Mostly a mix of fear, dread, and a desire not to have to make my way through another moment or another day. An unpleasant experience which includes an almost nauseous sensation in the body. Blech.
As I understand it, these are feelings from a certain time and place in my childhood; reactions to trauma that require reexperiencing in order to heal at a deeper level.
So on the whole, I view this as a positive development. Apparently I’m ready for another stage of healing. Over the years I have found that my psyche allows things to come up when the time is right, when there is both internal strength for healing and an external vessel suitable for healing. The “vessel” here is the deep and profound connection with my life partner (the wedding is 12 days away!), and the unconditional love she offers me so beautifully and courageously. So I see the emergence of these intense feelings as feedback that I’m growing stronger and that my heart trusts this woman in a compelling way. (And my old therapist, who has worked with me on some of these issues in years past, will be nearby as I move out here to California!)
But the mornings are still tough to experience.
Mostly I take it easy with myself, just sitting and being with the feelings as much as possible. I do some inner visualizations sometimes to “take care” of the inner part that’s hurting. Mostly I just try to be gentle with myself and start the morning slowly. I know the difficulty will pass as the day progresses.
Some folks struggle with the “why me?” question in this kind of situation; railing against G-d that it isn’t “fair” to have to suffer things like this. I probably used to do that myself (I honestly can’t recall, but I imagine I did). But these days I’m not really in that space. It’s true that undergoing abuse is not “fair” from our point of view, but it seems clear that this life required it. The Israelites were enslaved in Egypt for hundreds of years with backbreaking labor and untold abuses. Not fair. But those years were a prerequisite for becoming the Jewish people, enjoined to care for the stranger (and the widow and the orphan) because “you were strangers in the land of Egypt.”
I enjoy the following thought experiment: You have an alien friend visiting from another planet and you show them around Earth, sharing your daily routine with them. In the morning, you go to the gym for your daily workout. Your friend looks around at the people moaning and sweating in exertion on various machines and with different accessories, and asks, “What kind of torture chamber is this? What have these people done to deserve this?!”
“They haven’t done anything wrong,” you answer. “They’re here by choice. They want to improve and get healthier, so they choose to push themselves to their maximum capacity. It’s our way of growing, of getting stronger.”
Your friend is skeptical as she studies the surroundings more closely. “Ah, but this is totally unfair! Why do some have such heavy burdens and others hardly any? There is no justice here.”
And you explain that each person has different limitations and different goals (strength versus flexibility versus endurance); each person’s capabilities and goals determine the kind of exercises they choose and the magnitude of weights or resistance that they work with.
And of course the point (which your skeptical alien friend may or may not appreciate) is that I see our lives here in that same way. Each of us is given the spiritual challenges necessary for our course, the exact exercises that can produce the refinements of the soul that we need. Each soul is different, has different capabilities and has different goals. So of course our “fitness programs” vary from one soul to the next. They are not “fair” as in “the same” as everyone else’s, but rather each regimen is tailored to fit us exquisitely. Just as not everyone wears the same size suit jacket, it wouldn’t make sense for everyone to have the exact same spiritual struggles.
So I try to embrace the current difficulties as being just the right experience needed for my soul, brought to me by The Master of Infinite Love and Kindness, who only gives us the minimum amount of pain required for us to perfect ourselves. Not a drop more. The Heavenly Father, the ultimate doting parent. “This will hurt a little,” I can almost hear Him saying, “but it will be all right.”
I find this attitude to be my “spoonful of sugar” that “helps the medicine go down.”
My friends, may you find a way to embrace the difficulties of your life in a way that enhances your spirit and allows you to draw strength and wisdom from the challenges you face.
And may you have great success.